Cell Block Tango Parody

by Norm Tiber

Tango is just a dance, but sometimes people over react. I have had partners that have done this to me and I am sure, I have done this to some of my partners. The last time this happened it brought to mind Cell Block Tango from Chicago and I wrote this little tango parody.

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

You know how people
have these little habits
That get you down. Like Bernie.
Bernie liked to lead ganchos
No, not lead. Direct.
So I go to a milonga one night
And I am really irritated, and
looking for a nice dance
and there's Bernie,
and he asks me to dance
and he starts leading ganchos,
no, not leading, directing.
So, I said to him,
I said, "Bernie, you direct that
gancho one more time..."
And he did.
So I took my 4 inch stiletto heel
and I fired two warning shots...
right into his head.

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would
have done the same!

I met Ezekiel Young from
Salt Lake City about two tandas ago
and he told me he danced traditional Tango
and we hit it off right away.
So, we started dancing together.
He embraced me, waited for a few seconds,
and then started the salida.
And then I found out:
"Traditional Tango" he told me. Traditional, my ass.
Not only did he like Gotan Project...
Oh, no, he loved alternative music.
One of those Swango dancers, you know.
So that night during the cortina,
I ordered him a drink.
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

He had it coming
He had it coming
He took a flower
In its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!

Now, I'm standing in the milonga
talking to my friends,
minding my own business.
In storms Wilbur in a tango frenzy.
"You wanna dance" he shouts.
He was crazy and he kept on shouting,
"You wanna dance."
And then he ran into my nail file.
He ran into my nail file ten times!

If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

My sister, Veronica and I both love Tango,
and my partner, Charlie, traveles round with us.
Now, for the last tanda of the night,
Charlie and I always dance together.
two, three, four, crusada, close embrace,
even walk, uneven walk, back ocho.
So this one night before the end of the Milonga,
the three of us, talking, havin a few laughs and I have to go to the bathroom.
So I go out and ask Charlie to save the last tanda for me.
When I come back, there's Veronica and
Charlie doing the basic 8 - crusada and all!
Well, I was in such a state of shock, the last tanda,
I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands
I even knew that something happened.

They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

I loved to dance with Alvin Lipschitz more than I can possibly say.
He was a real artistic guy...sensitive... a painter when he danced.
But he was troubled.
He was always trying out new volcadas.
He'd go out every night
looking for the ultimate volcada and on the way
he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving.
I guess you can say we broke
up because of artistic differences.
He saw himself as everyone's partner
and I saw him as my partner.

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha, you would have done the same!

You direct that gancho one more time!
Traditional Tango my ass.
Shouting ten times!
The basic eight.
Artistic differences.
Pop, crusada, ocho, uh uh, gancho.

Norm

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